The main purpose of a discussion when there are two opposing points of view is to have the other person understand your opinion and your feelings.  Total agreement is not necessary but understanding must be there for successful resolution.  Therefore, these rules for fair fighting center around stating your feelings in a way that will not make the other person defensive; but allow that person to hear what you have to say.

 1. NO PHYSICAL VIOLENCE: person will not bother to listen to you if she/he has a bloody nose.

2. NO NAME CALLING: person will be reacting to the name rather than the rest of the message. 

3. DON’T PLAY PSYCHIATRIST: phrases like, “you’re crazy, you have an inferiority complex”, etc., will make a person defensive.

4. LEAVE FAMILY OUT OF THE DISCUSSION: if you say, “you’re just like your mother”, the person is going to defend her/his mother, regardless of whether or not the person’s opinion of the mother is the same as yours.  Thus, it changes the subject matter of the discussion, as well as putting the other person in a defensive mode/position.

5. DON’T USE CHILDREN OR PARENTS AS ALLIES: this is your fight.  Leave it that way.  By seeking out allies, you are endangering other relationships.

6. STICK TO ONE TOPIC: sidetracking is a way of avoiding the issues.  Get one subject resolved before going on to another topic.

7. LET THE PAST REMAIN IN THE PAST: everyone has made mistakes.  No matter how guilty a person feels about the past, nothing can change what happened.  Let the past remain in the past.

8. BE SPECIFIC: words like always or never are probably not true.  The response to “you never take out the garbage” will probably be “Yes, I did on October 10, 1951”.  Instead state, “for the past seven days you haven’t taken out the garbage”.

9. DON’T TELL THE OTHER PERSON WHAT THEY ARE FEELING: only you know what you are feeling.  If you cannot understand how a person can feel one way and act in another, simply state that you don’t understand.

The remaining rules focus around the timing of the discussion.  You want to allow enough time to make sure you have a chance to thoroughly explain your feelings and understand the feelings of the other person.

10. DON’T START A DISCUSSION THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO RESOLVE: this means that you don’t bring up an issue a half hour before you leave for work.

11. MAKE SURE YOUR SPOUSE IS AWAKE: late at night and early in the morning are generally poor times for heavy discussions.

12. MAKE SURE THAT YOUR SPOUSE CAN FOCUS FULL ATTENTION ON WHAT YOU ARE SAYING: when your wife/husband is cooking dinner, answering the phone, and wiping up a mess, she/he cannot hear everything that you are saying.

13. DON’T WALK OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT: you only end up leaving the other person with angry feelings.

14. IF IT IS GETTING LATE AND YOU ARE GETTING TIRED, CALL A TRUCE: continue the discussion the next day when you have more patience, and only if you can remember what it was you were discussing. 

FUNCTIONAL MESSAGES

HOW TO STATE YOUR FEELINGS WITHOUT HURTING ANYONE ELSE’S FEELINGS:

A. A Functional Message has three parts:

1. IT IS DESCRIPTIVE: it describes your feelings without passing judgment on the other person.

2. IT IS SPECIFIC: never use the words always and never.

3. IT REFERS TO A CHANGEABLE BEHAVIOR: Examples –

“When the room is this messy, it makes me tense.”

“I feel hurt that you didn’t kiss me good-bye this morning.”

“I feel jealous when you compare my cooking to your mothers.”